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An open letter to Kirk Cousins

In his latest McNiff's Riffs Tim reaches out to new Viking Kirk Cousins to give him a lay of the land when it comes to Minnesotans... while letting him know what he's in for.
Kirk Cousins will learn a lot about Minnesota in the coming months... including how high expectations are for a Super Bowl trophy. Photo: KARE

This is an open letter to Kirk Cousins, on your arrival to be the savior.. whoops... I mean, quarterback of the Minnesota Vikings.

The intention is to give you some background on your new home and the folks who live here, so you can better understand how we think (our “deal”) and eliminate any consternation you may have, because we want you to be happy. If happy, you can give your full concentration to winning the Super Bowl (it’s our “thing”), but no pressure, okey-dokey?

READ: More 'McNiff's Riffs'

For starters, welcome Kirk, we’re happy to have you!

For the most part.

Kirk Cousins arrives in Minnesota. Photo: KARE

Sure, we’re hung-up on the money, and you ARE going to hear about the money EVERY time you throw an interception. Remember, it's not on you, that’s our "deal." We all wish that we were in your position (until you get sacked/throw an interception/lose to the team next door/**note – please try to avoid that last item AT ALL COSTS!), we all like to see people succeed, we just tend to get a little uncomfortable when people make too much money. It seems kind of... showy... and gosh darn it, $84 million dollars, guaranteed ? (It IS 84 million, right? Guaranteed?) Sorry, we don’t mean to be nosey... that just seems like a lot, don’t ya know?

But, no pressure.

If you don’t mind us asking, why didn’t Washington want to keep you? I mean, you seem like a nice enough fellow, and it’s been pointed out time and time again how at 29, you’re just entering your “prime”, so we’re just wondering why a fine young man like you was allowed to become a free agent?

We don’t mean to be rude, it’s just that we (the Vikings) had these three other quarterbacks who everybody kind of liked, and who you’re gonna hear a lot about when Viking fans talk about “the good old days” (a.k.a. the 2017 season). Back when Case came off the bench to lead the Vikes to within one game of the Super Bowl, and how Sam looked brilliant until that “knee thing” flared-up, and how actually Teddy was the team’s future until he had his own “knee thing” back in August of 16.

Oh, the “knee thing?” Heck, we probably shouldn’t bring that up,except we’ve had to deal with the “knee thing” a lot around these parts, but don’t take our word for it. You can ask Sam, or Teddy, or Dalvin Cook, or “Jimmy Buckets”, or Luke Kunin, or... you get the drift.

Jimmy and Luke? Oh, you’ll get to know them. Jimmy plays for the Timberwolves, our local NBA team. At least he did, until his “knee thing”. Since then, the Wolves are struggling to hold onto a playoff spot right when every other team in their division has become red-hot, all at the same time. But, don’t worry about the Wolves, we just want you to focus on that Super Bowl thing.

Hey, no pressure.

As for Luke, he plays for our pro hockey team, the Wild. Or, at least he was supposed to. Right after he was finally called-up, Luke had his “knee thing” and he’s done for the season. Not that the Wild needed him. We figure the Wild ARE going to make the playoffs. It’s just AFTER they make the playoffs where most of us get concerned. But we don’t want you to worry about that, what with the Super Bowl and all.

Again.... no pressure.

Rumor has it you used your recent trip to the Super Bowl in Minneapolis to scout us out, so you got a taste for our winter. Yep, winter was a “thing” this year, but we’re PRETTY SURE the snow will be gone by the end of April and we’ll have “Ice out” in time for the fishing opener in May. We’re pretty sure, just maybe not “up north.”

Up North? That’s where most people go on the weekend. They go “up north" to the cabin on the lake. And by “the weekend” we mean they leave on Thursday morning, or better yet, Wednesday night if they can swing it. We’re guessing you might be able to afford a place, but don’t tell anybody else where it is.... especially if the fish are biting. It was 84-million, guaranteed, right?

No pressure.

On your way “up north” you’re gonna hit road construction. Ya, that’s a "thing”. The work on I-35, and a lot of other places? That’s a “thing” too. It doesn’t end. It NEVER ends. Road construction seems to pretty much come and go with the mosquitos. They (the bugs AND the guys in the orange vests) both leave right before winter and come right back first thing, in the spring. You’ll find them equally annoying and we don’t think that they’re related but we’re not quite sure, and we gave up trying to figure it out years ago. It’s just a “thing.”

We’d tell you to stay out of the left lane when you’re driving unless you’re passing, but we lost that battle long ago. Now, just go ahead and drive your grandpa's conversion van 55 mph in the left lane like you own it. And at $84-million, heck, you just might. (It was $84-million, right? Guaranteed?) Gosh, that’s "a deal.”

Seriously, no pressure.

The “hot dish” thing is overblown, but the mosquito thing? That’s real. We’ve got art, and music, and you know all about the Mall of America. Your fave, Shake Shack? That’s not “our” thing. Go over to Matt’s or the 5-8 Club and pick up a “Juicy Lucy.” Now that’s "a thing!”

People around here are passionate about kids and schools. We lead the nation in voter turnout but we don’t talk about politics, that’s not our deal. Not talking about stuff is kind of a "thing.”

Do you like to hunt, Kirk? That’s a “thing”, and you’ll find that Fall around these parts is second-to-none. Of course, you’ll be pretty busy then, what with football and all.

Oh... and we didn’t want to have to bring this up, but you’re going to see a LOT of people around here wearing green and gold in the fall. Don’t mind them, we don’t. Really. That’s just their “deal” but it’s also kind of a "thing.”

Those folks are kind of like the road construction and mosquitos. They just started showing up and now we can’t seem to get them to leave. We’ve made hints... LOTS of hints... about how they might like living in the state next door much better but they just don’t seem to get it. It’s their “deal” and it’s a "thing”, but we figure that you can help us out with that.

No pressure.

You see Kirk, their team has won four Super Bowls. Granted, two of them happened a LONG time ago, and none of these people ever actually saw their team win those games (despite the claims of about 2 million Packer fans that they were actually at the Ice Bowl). So a guy could say that it’s really like they’ve only won two Super Bowls, and with the quarterbacks they’ve had for the past 20-years (a couple of guys named Favre and Rodgers) , a guy might say that their team has actually under-achieved. But then they point out that they really do have four Super Bowls and we don’t have ANY and that’s their “deal”, but it really is DEFINITELY a "thing” for us.

We mean it, no pressure.

It WAS $84-million, right? Guaranteed?

We just figure you could help us out by beating their team twice a year. We found out this past season (the “good old days” with Case and Sam and Teddy, remember?) that these people tend to really quiet down, and not wear their green and gold so much when the Vikings beat their team. It was a really sweet “deal”, and definitely a “thing” that we could get used to.

So, there you go. Welcome Kirk, we’re happy to have you.

For the most part.

We hope that helps you get a lay of the land and a feel for the good people around these parts. We’d ask you to go out and win us a Super Bowl, but we don’t want to put too much pressure on you.

But it was $84-million, right? Guaranteed? Jeez, that’s a “thing” and a doggone sweet deal.

No pressure.

Hear more Vikings from Tim in his bi-weekly podcast "McNiff's Huddle" below:

On a mobile device, go here: https://mcniffshuddle.podbean.com/

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