x
Breaking News
More () »

Tim Lammers reviews 'Baywatch' and 'Pirates of the Caribbean'

A couple of retreads at this week's box office. Tim Lammers heads to the beach and the high seas.

GOLDEN VALLEY, Minn. - DirectConversations.com film critic Tim Lammers reviews the latest installation of Johnny Depp's pirate sagas.

"Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales" (PG-13) 2 stars (out of four); Kid Quotient: 2 stars

The ship has definitely sailed on Johnny Depp's "Pirates of the Caribbean" franchise with "Dead Men Tell No Tales," the fifth and hopefully last film in series. There's no question that the first two films in the series -- "The Curse of the Black Pearl" and "Dead Man's Chest" were entertaining, but Depp's shtick as the drunken, bumbling Capt. Jack Sparrow has become old hat since then.

Basically "Dead Men Tell No Tales" feels like all the films that proceed it -- a mishmash of high seas action and slapstick comedy from Capt. Jack, who you just know will weasel his way out of any situation he encounters no matter how perilous it is. There's no question the special effects are spectacular -- especially with the crafting of the ghostly nemesis, Capt. Salazar (the always great Javier Bardem), who seeks revenge on Capt. Jack, but the story is dull and predictable.

While the story brings to a conclusion a subplot from a couple of films ago, there's nothing really new to talk about here, with the exception of a wonderfully inventive scene involving Capt. Jack's head and neck on a guillotine. It's the only cutting thing about the whole movie.

"Baywatch" (R) 1 star (out of four); Kid Quotient: None

After a string of hits including "Moana" and "The Fate of the Furious" star Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson sinks big-time with "Baywatch," a hapless remake of David Hasselhoff's syndicated TV smash from the 1990s. The plot is paper-thin: Johnson leads a group of lifeguards who are trying to keep a drug-dealing villain from taking over the beautiful coastline they protect, even though none have any real law enforcement experience.

Johnson assumes Hasselhoff's role of Mitch Buchanon, who along with fellow lifeguards C.J. Parker (Kelly Rohrback) and Stephanie Holden (Ilfenesh Hadera) take on three new recruits for the summer, including Matt Brody (Zac Efron), a Ryan Lochte-like lunkhead whose fallen out of favor with the Olympics because of his wild ways.

Baywatch is a failure on all fronts. The acting is terrible, the dialogue is uninspired, and unlike the big-screen remake of the very self-aware "21 Jump Street," the cast mostly plays it straight. In fact, the only time the film is funny is when Hasselhoff appears as himself in moments of self-parody, like he's the only person in the entire movie that gets the joke that its OK to poke fun at yourself.

Before You Leave, Check This Out